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Are you commitment phobic?


Updated: March 20, 2009, 2:13 PM IST
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Are you commitment phobic?
When women show signs of unpredictability, it's difficult for a man.

DO you prefer long distance relationships?

Is freedom the most important thing in your life?

Is it suffocating when he wants to know every tiny detail about your life?

If you answered yes to most of these questions, then you might just have a commitment phobia.

Usually men are the ones associated with commitment issues. But lately, more women are starting to join the pack.

"Women are now financially independent. You are not dependent on men to buy you materialistic pleasures. Work gives you immediate results and you don't want to compromise your job for any other commitments," explains Nirmala Rao, Psychiatrist.

The causes for commitment phobia are varied but generally commence during childhood.

It can be connected with a loss, trauma, parental separation, poor role models, abusive relationships or even the death of a close one.

However, as adults the inner cause is fear of loss and rejection.

Are you commitment phobic?

* You prefer long distance relationships.
* When the initial excitement of the relationship fades out, you don't look forward to the future.
* When you get close to a friend or boyfriend and reveal your innermost thoughts, you immediately tend to withdraw from the person for a while.
* Advice and suggestions from people annoy you.
* You cannot relate to marriage or married people.
* At times you feel a lot of love for a partner and sometimes you don't want to see him at all. Both these feelings are not the result of any specific reason.
* You are a perfectionist and you take a long time to take any decision.

If you have experience some of these emotions, then you could have a commitment issue. It is time you faced the facts and dealt with the situation.

"My girlfriend is commitment phobic."

It is a common notion that women are usually more stable and understanding than men. So when the tables are turned and women show signs of unpredictability, it's difficult for a man to understand.

It's strange how a commitment phobic at an unconscious level craves for what she fears the most. On one end she runs away from love and connection and on the other her insecurities make her want everlasting love.

Here is what two men who've date commitment phobic women have to say.

Close... just not too close!

"I got along really well with her initially. We bonded as friends and spent a lot of time with each other. We reached a point in our relationship where we almost told each other everything," recollects Wrudra Thakur, a risk manager for the stock market.

"Suddenly after 6 months of our relationship her calls seemed to reduce from five to one. I hardly knew anything about her whereabouts. If I asked her friends about her, she would get angry. I felt really confused. She seemed perfectly normal with everybody except me," he continues.

I felt that maybe she had lost interest in me but on the contrary whenever I wouldn't call her for a day or so I would receive several messages and calls from her,." says Wrudra.

Love-hate relationship

"I got tired of the love-hate relationship that I shared with my girlfriend. Whenever I spoke about anything that would minutely involve anything to do with the future, I would receive a cold shoulder. I was always making plans and she liked to do everything on the spur of the moment. She didn't know what she was going to do in the next hour." says Sidesh Bhonsle, a media student.

Get over it!

* Confront your fears. You need to accept the fact that you have a problem with commitment.
* Progress in your relationship in a balanced way. Do not get close to your partner too soon. Give your relationship time to grow.
* If you need space at times, be honest with him and tell him that.
* If thinking about the future makes you feel suffocated and gives you the jitters, tell your partner you need some more time.
* In case you have decided not to get involved in a long term relationship, make it clear in the beginning.
* Simply speak to one of your friends about your phobia. Talk in detail about everything you feel.
* Stop fault-finding. Your partner may not be perfect. Don't use his faults as a cover for your fears.
* Do not fake in order to hide your true feelings. For example, if you are out with your friends and something is bothering you, try not to be humorous or happy.

If you have commitment issues and the above solutions don't work for you, you might want to consult a psychiatrist.

First Published: March 20, 2009, 2:13 PM IST
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