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Book extract: Yours Sarcastically by Sandeep Das


Last Updated: September 11, 2012, 13:35 IST

Book extract: Yours Sarcastically by Sandeep Das

'Yours Sarcastically' is a 'not-so-diplomatic' take on the life of a 20-something person in contemporary India.

Written by Sandeep Das 'Yours Sarcastically' is a 'not-so-diplomatic' take on the life of a 20-something person in contemporary India. It is his saucy journey from post graduate education to his experiences in selling mustard hair oil, his marketing stints and his rich experience during his international management consulting experience along the Indo-Nepal border. Some of his professional experiences include: interviewing 60 size zero south Bombay women, negotiating with the right hand man of an underworld don, managing drunken brand managers at corporate off-sites, the extensive preparation done by sales people for 'surprise' visits by their bosses and the hiring of cheerleaders by a premier consulting firm to turn around their client's fortunes. In his free time, he likes to write movie scripts for C grade movies, transform behenjis to blockbuster babes, visit top brothels in Mumbai and indulge in politics and backbiting.

Along the way, he falls in love with his batch-mate and hankers after professional success. Needless to say, there is a villain who runs after the same lovely girl and the same crown of success. As the stakes keep getting higher, will this rollercoaster ride meet a dead end or will everything fall in place like any other happily ever after?

As part of the Yours Sarcastically series, we bring to you some of the most entertaining, sarcastic excerpts from the online bestseller, Yours Sarcastically. As part of the first article in this series, we bring to you an Oscar winning movie script mentioned in the book, which has potential to break all box office records.

Character Introduction:

Hero: Middle-aged, overweight Bengali guy who has the best occupation any lead character in a movie can dream of - a paan spitting, balding, potbellied intellectual coolie.

Heroine: She has been picked from a certain state where the stature and success of the heroine is directly proportional to her waist size. In this case, she has a waist size of 45 inches. As you can gather, she is an upcoming actress who has just gotten past the casting couch.

Villain: A typical one-toothed, sadistic man, hell-bent on wreaking havoc upon the whole world.

This is how the movie goes:

The heroine is being eve-teased by the villain and his gang at a railway station. The heroine is crying for help. The hero coolie, travelling in a chopper, notices the act of indecency and decides to come to the rescue of the heroine. The hero, in ultra-tight jeans which is bursting at the seams, battles all the men with panache and there are bodies everywhere. Each goonda gets a kick on his jaw and collapses.

The hero and the heroine exchange glances now, and realize that they are meant to be together for the next seventy-seven rebirths. As a mark of his love and respect for her, he spits his paan out on her face, which she gracefully accepts. However, the villain runs away with the heroine.

The hero, now in a cycle rickshaw, (the chopper was hired only for twenty minutes so it cannot be used here) is chasing the villain who is in a Mercedes Benz. It is a super close chase, with both within striking distance of each other. The twenty-minute chase sequence runs across the Himalayas, the Thar Desert, the Deccan peninsula, the Sunderban forests and with foreign travel so cheap nowadays, a two-minute sequence near the Big Ben in London is also included. After the nerve-wracking chase, the heroine has been taken away into a secret hideout. The hero is chasing the villain's accomplice who knows where the hideout is.

What happens next has defined Indian Cinema over the last fifty years. Most people believe that the 1991 financial reforms led to India's development, but it is actually the inspiration from this scene that changed everything in India. There is a very high wall, with the villain's accomplice on the other side and the hero on this side. The hero has just two guns with him and has no view of the accomplice on the other side. He throws the first gun up and shoots from the second gun. The bullet from the second gun hits the trigger of the first gun, and the bullet from the first gun gets the villain's accomplice. However, the guy does not die straightaway. He survives just long enough to tell the hero where his 'hot, slim and sexy babe' is hidden.

The next action-packed scene is in the deep waters of the Pacific Ocean. The villain, anticipating the hero's arrival, has put a 40,000 volt transformer in the ocean and is hovering in a chopper over the centre of the ocean. The hero jumps into the ocean and tries to swim to the centre. The villain anticipates the hero's electrocution. A thundering voice is heard, much to the villain's disappointment:

'When most people touch electricity, they get current. When I touch electricity, electricity gets current!'

The transformer supplying the 40,000 volts of electricity explodes under the sheer pressure of the dialogue. A five second pause has to be given here as people in the theatre need to finish whistling and throwing money at the screen. However, the hero realizes he cannot swim to the centre of the Pacific Ocean as time is running out. In this moment of despair, he meets an unlikely ally - a blue whale.

Recap: Seven births ago, when the hero was very young, he had given this whale food to eat which had helped her survive.

Coming Back: Overwhelmed by emotion; the blue whale begins to cry beneath the surface of the ocean. Her transparent tears are clearly glistening in the blue waters of the Pacific. The hero keeps wiping her tears as she takes the hero to just below the point where the chopper is hovering. The hero, in a moment of gallantry, jumps out of the water and pulls the chopper down with sheer might. Obviously the chopper sinks, the one-toothed villain dies, and the heroine is in the hero's arms and the blue whale drops them safely to the shore. The hero and the heroine live happily ever after with their twenty-seven kids.

About the author:

Sandeep Das, from Bangalore, is an author, anchor, debater, freelance journalist, motivational speaker and a management consultant.

Book: Yours Sarcastically; Author: Sandeep Das; Binding: Paperback; Publisher: Leadstart Publishing Pvt Ltd; Number of Pages: 236; Language: English

first published:September 11, 2012, 13:35 IST
last updated:September 11, 2012, 13:35 IST