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Fight: It is good for your relationship!

Fight: It is good for your relationship!

How much fighting is too much? Does it bring you closer as a couple?

Fighting and arguing can be such a source of excitement sometimes, right? Moushree Dey, a Kolkata-based PR professional, agrees, "I think fights are necessary. It brings people closer to each other."

Marriage counsellor Bindu Anand from Mumbai says that, as a couple, you fight because:

  • You want to keep the love and passion alive in your relationship. After all, fighting in a way, does assert how much you care for him.
  • Fighting could also be non-stop action to a never ending issue. For example, disagreement on sensitive issues such as religion or money.
  • You could also want to mend what went wrong in your last relationship.
  • You could also be fighting when your expectations are not being met. For example, you want him to be 'cleaner', but nothing can change him from being filthy!
  • You could also be getting an ego push from fighting. You would experience a high from asserting yourself to be correct.

Ugly truth?

But all said and done, fighting, even for fun, is like playing with fire. There is always a risk of your relationship becoming sour.

So, how do you know if your relationship is in trouble? Bindu tells you how to find out…

  • You know there is trouble when your differences are all you can think about. You seem to have forgotten all his positive points.
  • Usually, there is always a scope of resolution among couples. After a day or two of being angry, you want to talk it out and resolve the issues. But your relationship is at risk when this stage just does not seem to arrive.
  • When you know your basic values, personality and self esteem is being hampered.

Stop!

Yes! Believe it or not, there are rules to have a healthy and fair fight! Use these rules and more than having a healthy 'discussion' (yes, we don't call it 'fighting' anymore!), you can also develop healthy communication between you.

Never:

  • Use bad language while fighting.
  • Threaten to terminate your relationship, just for the sake of gaining an upper hand.
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  • Become judgemental about his character if it has nothing to do with the fight.
  • Use force (hands, feet, vessels, mobile phones) to show power.
  • Quote past experiences. Let bygones be bygones.
  • React! Yes, reaction is an emotional process that could make the situation worse.

Always:

  • Respond! A response is to find a solution to the problem. This can lead to creative handling of future problems.
  • Fight when both of you are calm and composed.
  • Fight in a place where you will not be disturbed. Make sure the kids or a third party are not around.
  • Make sure that if he begins what he has to say, you allow him to end it. DO NOT interrupt him.
  • Remember to express what you are feeling at that exact same moment. Don't hesitate to say it if you are feeling "sad", rather than "angry" at that point of time.

Making up tips

Post fighting, both of you need your space to settle your emotions and get back together. Bindu suggests the following:

  • Doing something that is 'not you' can be bring relief to the tension in your fights. Surprise him, do something that you would usually never do. Get him flowers, candy, or say things to him that you would normally never say. (Nice things of course!)
  • Say sorry. If it was your fault and you know it, say sorry.
  • Celebrate! Once a resolution has been reached, celebrate the occasion. A candle light dinner, good sex. In other words, be close to each other.
  • Last but not the least, FORGET about the issues that caused hurt. Rather, concentrate on the solutions that you have come up with.
first published:April 13, 2009, 15:42 IST